When You Forget You Forgot

02-18-2024Pastor's LetterFr. John Bonavitacola

Dear Friends,

We were treated to another Special Counsel’s Report, telling us another President did some wrong things but because he is a “sympathetic, elderly man with a poor memory”, the Special Counsel didn’t think a Jury would convict him. That’s a unique Senior Adult Get Out of Jail Free Card! Think of it guys: if you forget to take out the trash, you can tell your wife, “Sorry honey, I am an elderly man with a poor memory”. Or if you get pulled over by the police for having a lapsed car registration, or forget your Wedding Anniversary or your kids’ birthdays, just pull out that card!

I’m being sarcastic. The issue of Memory Loss or Cognitive Decline is a serious one. The problem often is that the person experiencing Cognitive Decline, is the last one to recognize it. In fact, it can be difficult for a spouse to even spot the problem. Now if you find yourself saying “I keep forgetting this or that, my mind is shot”, you are probably fine. People with Cognitive Decline don’t remember that they forgot. But at a certain point you must be willing to listen to those who know you best and get your memory tested. And then if, Cognitive Decline is diagnosed you have to have the humility to accept it and willingly give up the keys to the car. I know that is not easy because you think you are just fine but trusting in what your loved ones observe and your physician diagnoses is really important and can prevent you from harming yourself or others.

This past summer right down the street a 94-year-old driver hit and killed a driver on a motorcycle and just drove on by. The case is still being considered by the County Attorney as whether to prosecute or not. The law states that a reasonable person should know or should have known they were engaged in a driving accident. The question is, was this driver “reasonable” or was she in a diminished cognitive state that may reduce her culpability? Not easy, especially when there is a family on other side looking for resolution. In fact, Courts are seeing more and more cases of a person with severe dementia who committed violent crimes up to murder against their spouses or caregivers. How do you handle that kind of case? They clearly committed a horrible offense, and yet do you send them to Prison, where the Department of Corrections is in no way able to handle them? Additionally, most Memory Care Facilities don’t want to take someone who has already demonstrated violent behaviors.

In visiting the Memory Care Homes in the Parish, it is heart breaking to watch someone who when they first arrive are bright and talkative and over the months slowly become quieter and quieter and then no longer recognize you. When it came to AIDS, our country spent more money and put more resources to finding a treatment and cure than it did with any other disease in history. I wish we would do the same for Cognitive Decline. As the Baby Boomers age in greater and greater numbers, the amount of dementia and other cognitive issues will only increase.

As I have often said, my deepest respect is with those of you who have or are caring for a loved one with memory loss. It is a challenge to remain compassionate and gentle while caring for someone who has diminished faculties. You are always in my prayers.

If one of your family members or a neighbor is living with Cognitive Decline, please offer their caregiver, who is usually the spouse, some assistance. Offer to sit with them while their caregiver takes a nap or goes shopping or maybe you run some errands for them instead. Our new Mental Health Ministry will be addressing this issue and developing ways the Parish can assist and support those with Cognitive issues and their caregivers.

I’m sure a “Senior Get Out of Jail Free Card” is not what any of us want to earn. But Cognitive Decline may be part of the future, so prepare for it, know the warning signs, seek help to slow it down or manage it and if you are the caregiver keep a good sense of humor about you, a compassionate heart and be willing to extend sacrificial love. As we focus on the Cross during Lent, may we be willing to accept whatever Cross we are asked to carry. Because in the end, the Cross is all about love.

Love,

Fr. John B.